I have a 9 month old male chocolate lab named Axel. This dog rocks! You wanna know why he rocks so much? Well I’ll tell you. I have very few expectations for this dog, therefore he seldom disappoints me. When I come home from work Axel waits till I drain my bowels before explaining his domestic dilemmas or instructing me on how to discipline the disruptive offspring du jour. When I do emerge from the lavatory all he asks for is a few pats, an innocent hand lick and to run around my legs a few times, nothing more than that, just a little unrequited love from Daddy.
I envy Axel, even beyond the whole ball licking thing. All he has to do in life is sleep eat and shit. No worries besides when the hell are you lazy bastards going to wake up and take me outside to piss. No asshole bosses, no mortgage, no rush hour traffic, no deadlines and no prostate exams just “I wonder how editable that little floor ditty is, who cares if it is that big ladies underwear?”
You might find it interesting that my second entry is about my dog and not my wife or kids. I guess that is because I am not ready at this point to exploit them for your pleasure… Axel won’t mind… much. Sometimes I wish I had named Axel Mohamed. That would piss off some Muslims. It aint like there aren’t hundreds of Mexican dudes that named their dogs Jesus and you don’t see me getting all pissy about it and starting riots or demanding public apologies or trying to get them fired from their jobs (It was just a fucking cartoon, It was just a fucking teddy bear, GET REAL). I say lighten the fuck up and stop taking yourselves so seriously. You know what the real problem is with the whole Middle East and radical Islam…. They don’t have any liquor. The Japanese have their sake, the Germans have their beer the French have their wine and we Americans have an excessive variety of all of the above and we all live happily and are productive members of the global economy. Can’t you ferment camel piss or something? If they spent more time worrying about their hangovers and less about blowing up their cousins who have a slightly different perspective on the same damn religion than them, that whole region just might flourish.
My wife calls Axel Stupid. His normal response is to cock his head and look at her with his typical “What?” response. I often think he is looking at her thinking “Me Stupid, well what did you expect, you picked me up from someone’s back yard where I was happily wrestling with my siblings, licking my balls and stepping in my own feces. It aint like you picked me up from the “Young Einstein Puppy Protégée Academy, Kiss my balls bitch”. Kind of makes you wonder who the stupid one in that interchange is.
